by anushka varmaHow many of us have heard or said the phrase “I’m not like other girls”? Often uttered in a condescending or disparaging manner, it is one so widely used that it is ever-present on the Internet whether through TikTok or memes mocking or reinforcing it, but where does it come from? It’s commonly associated with women who are “quirky,” or boyish, those who don’t wear makeup, and are “unique.” Their distance from the stereotype of what a woman should be like is what makes them “cool”. In the effort to do so, they can embody masculine qualities such as drinking beer, not wearing makeup or skirts, only listening to metal or rap music, and hating the girls who do embrace typical notions of femininity. It relies on dragging down other girls and the whole essence of womanhood (Agustin, 2021), while also perpetuating harmful notions of masculinity because none of these said behaviours actually make anyone more or less like their gender. The overplayed narrative that women with even the slightest hint of intellectual or emotional depth are a rarity perpetuates the self-hating pattern of thinking and negative views towards women. The tendency to portray themselves as “different” may stem from negative self-esteem, in the attempt to improve their social standing in the eyes of others (Thomson, 2021). That low self-esteem may lead to many women feeling lonely and isolated, and it becomes easier to believe that the isolation is due to their exceptionalism. One may attribute hat their loneliness to the belief that other women are shallow and unlikeable (O'Connell, 2015). Another reason may be that whenever society does allow women to flourish or succeed, it is most commonly only in the cases where they embrace masculinity. This may occur through women in STEM being compelled to blend in with ‘the boys’ (Powell, Bagilhole, & Dainty, 2008). While some may do so just to cope with their circumstances, others internalise the notion of the ‘not like other girls’ trope and genuinely consider the more “masculine” behaviours as professional (Rhoton, 2011). They might do so through distancing themselves from feminine practices or displays (Ong, 2005; Miller, 2004) or they may choose to not associate with their other women colleagues in the effort to not care about “women’s issues” (McIlwee & Robinson, 1992). This isn’t a recent issue, but rather has existed throughout history, functioning as a side effect of femininity being associated with weakness. In the 20th century, while feminists campaigned for equal wages and the chance to work, the “housewife” stereotype was born, women contented with being at home to take care of the household, those who fit the stereotypes surrounding feminine and submissive wives. This pushed feminists to separate femininity from the movement. It was assumed that being stereotypically masculine and distancing oneself from feminine behaviours would benefit their cause (O'Connell, 2015). This trend continued throughout history, with different versions emerging such as the current “quirky” and “relatable” teen. This is evident in the widespread emergence of relatable vloggers and influencers (Luna, 2019). It's not difficult to see the origin of such assumptions, societal conditioning can make being a girl feel like an insult, with comments in the general family of “like a girl” prevalent in most childhood upbringings (O'Connell, 2015). However, this distancing perpetuated the idea that women generally lack value, one that is overwhelmingly common in its everyday usage. This becomes just one way that women display bias against women (Means, 2021). Even these stereotypes are bound by whom society considers to be a woman or not, not allowing the exploration of identities beyond the binary. The leading cause behind this distance from femininity, from “other girls”, is internalised misogyny, women’s hatred of other women. This may stem from the subconscious awareness that women are rarely afforded positions in society, and thus, need to tear each other down. The Objectification Theory by Fredrickson & Roberts (1997) explains that women tend to internalise external perceptions of themselves to form the basis of their worth. This may begin early at home, where parents can restrict the self-autonomy of their daughters and assign them to be caregivers and clean up after their brothers. It also states that this internalisation of worth makes women vulnerable to mental illnesses such as sexual dysfunction, eating disorders and depression (Fredrickson & Roberts, 1997). Another theory that plays a key role in the explanation of such behaviour is the System Justification Theory (Jost, 2019; Jost & Banaji, 1994) which serves as the basis of internalised oppression. It describes the processes that uphold existing social structures, often at the expense of the self and one’s ingroup (i.e., social groups which we identify as belonging to). Jost and Banaji (1994) describe these situations of ingroup bias, where individuals tend to stereotype as a means of justifying the social status quo. There is often a failure to perceive societal disadvantage (Jost, 1995). In the case of women, this might look like the insistence that sexism does not exist or has been eradicated. Jost and Banaji (1994) use a System Justification Theory framework to explain the relationship between stereotypes and false consciousness, which is the tendency to ignore structures of inequality in society. They suggest that while stereotyping does not always lead to false consciousness, system-justified stereotypes may be linked to the occurrence of false consciousness. When people stereotype themselves or ingroup members in a manner that is consistent with social roles, they are then more likely to justify inequality (Jost, 1995). This could appear in the tendency of the “not like other” girls to look at stereotypically feminine behaviour and believe that patriarchy is right about those women. It may be the reason why there is a general tendency to separate themselves from those stereotypes. Research also suggests that internalised oppression and outgroup favouritism (preferring social groups that you do not identify as being a part of) may be associated with negative self-esteem (David & Okazaki, 2006) and other negative psychological outcomes (Moradi & Subich, 2003; Neal-Barnett & Crowther, 2000). It is tragic then, that in the search for individuality and exceptionalism, to separate from stereotypes, they ended up being just like everyone else. As ‘different’ as they can claim to be, there exist more than enough of them to make an entirely new subgroup. Women belonging to this group poke fun at their own gender for being feminine — they claim to be better because they behave in more stereotypically masculine ways. However, the tragic part is that most women don’t realise that they’re behaving in such a manner as a result of internalised misogyny and hatred towards all that is considered feminine (More, 2020). Distancing oneself from femininity does not necessarily make life easier as a woman, patriarchy is likely to drag them down anyway. As is evidenced by the recent trends which mock these women. The most that the average person can do is to let women breathe, regardless of how feminine they are or not. References
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